Augustine

I know you've all been on pins and needles waiting to hear if I made it to the end...and what meaty thoughts I have to share from my reflections on it. Let me say that this was a "plow read" through and through. I never would have finished without the accountability of my reading group. I am glad I finished but still have trouble putting it all together.

I loved the quote on the back of the book by editor Rosalie De Rosset (lit prof, Moody), "Augustine never thought of God without thinking of his sin, nor of his sin without thinking of Christ." It is a daunting task to think of writing a spiritual biography in which you lay open an account of your sin for all to read. I can't imagine attempting to do so for public consumption...but that is just what his account is.

Our reading group found his relationship with his mother to be rather co-dependent, though certainly a beautiful picture of a mother's unrelenting hope for her child to be in Christ. His relationship with his concubine, his illegitimate child, his view of women in general, and his parents insistence on a "suitable" marriage our all such foreign concepts through our 21st century lenses.

His knowledge of Scripture and ability to quote it and weave it into his memoirs incessantly is nothing short of incredible. In books 1, 7 and 10 he talks about the nature of sin, how it is really just a perversion of the good that God has created...and ultimately seems to say that the cause of sin lies in free will. Augustine is a true seeker and in the end comes full circle to the saving faith his mother raised him in (from book 1, "I was sealed with the mark of His cross and seasoned with His salt"), and prayed over him fervently in all his years of wonderings.

"Too late loved I Thee, O Thou Beauty of ancient days, yet ever

new! Too late I loved Thee! And behold, Thou wert within me

and I was outside, and there I searched for Thee; deformed I,

rushing amid those beautiful forms, which Thou hadst made.

Thou wert with me, but I was not with Thee. Things held me

far from Thee, which, unless they were in Thee, would not exist

at all. Thou calledst and shoutest, and burstest, my deafness.

Thou flashest, shonest, and scatterest my blindness. Thou

breathes odours, and I drew in breath and pant for Thee.

I tasted and hunger and thirst. Thou touchest me, and I

burned for Thy peace."

Although my life is very different than Augustine's if you were looking at them from the outside in, you may be surprised to see the similarities...left to myself I would "darken" every affection (Romans 1:21) I set my eyes upon...but left to the God who calls, shouts, bursts through, and shines blinding light upon my darkness...this God I need...He is the air I breath....my water and food...my peace.

Around the same time I was finishing Augustine, I received a copy of one of Selah's cd in the mail and I was moved to tears by the second song "There is a Fountain." The writer, William Cowper, struggled all his life to experience the assurance of God's love he penned so beautifully in these lyrics. He suffered a nervous breakdown, attempted suicide several times, and was even confined to an insane asylum for a time where he was straitjacketed for his own protection. It is said that on his deathbed, however, he looked upward with amazement on his face and said, "I am not shut out of Heaven after all."

There is a fountain filled with blood
Drawn from Immanuel's vains
And sinners plunged beneath that flood
Lose all their guilty stains

The dying thief rejoiced to see
That fountain in his day
And there may I, though vile as he
Wash all my sins away

E'er since by faith I saw the stream
Thy flowing wounds supply
Redeeming love has been my theme
And shall be till I die

And therein lies my journey mapped out...to ever remember what I am saved from...but also to truly lose the guilt of my stains (by Christ's atoning work on the cross) and allow Love to redeem my life's song.